last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
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He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
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I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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