I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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