so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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