why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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