apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
