So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
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He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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