you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
