i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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