I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
