The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
