I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
