I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
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i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
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I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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