You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
