What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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