Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
