Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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