I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
