My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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