I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
