I love black thongs
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
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