if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
