Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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