$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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