Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
