I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
