I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Who died my cat blue again?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
