i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
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