I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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