I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
