and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
