dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
