you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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