I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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