I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
