Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
