I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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