I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am midnight drunk by noon
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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