just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
