watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
