the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
