if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
