The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I want to be your penis for a week.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
