She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
