haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
this is an emotional support booty call
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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