happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
