good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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