i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
