she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
