I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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