You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
