so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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