Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
