I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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