If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Dicks are not precious.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
