I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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