just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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