when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
