somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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