I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
