I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
